Monday, 4 April 2022

April 4 2022

6 days post 

I feel so angry. I feel unheard and just angry at everything. No one listens to me and I feel like no one cares. 

I can't even continue typing without my eyes wanting to swell with tears. 

Every month it's like this. I feel fucking awful and for some months I contemplate leaving this earth. I am so miserable and I just get told to brush it off and if I perhaps "clean my car" my symptoms of depression will be miraculously healed. I FUCKING wish. 

I reach out to doctors and no one fucking knows what's going on. I just get put on mood stabilizers and told to check in around a month if it works and guess what... three months later and it's still the fucking same. 

I have so much fucking potential but fucking hell is it hard to tread through life when you have no fucking idea if you'll be happy the next day. This shit just builds so much anxiety within myself because I'm fucking petrified I'll lose my battle with depression and actually kill myself only to regret it. 

Some days I create this plan that if I do, I want it to be far away in a lake. 

I'll end this for today. I'm about to cry again..


Monday, 26 October 2020

Alright...

 It’s been a few months, with covid hitting huge, a lot has changed. 

I’m in a new relationship now. 

I just want to always be trusting but I hope I don’t get hurt... I hope I can get the truth out about how I know he hooked up with that girl while still talking with me... that really made my heart drop and had me thinking... how much you can’t trust some girls.... but what do I get out of it? What use it it having him admit it when I already know the truth. It definitely hurts, because meanwhile we were both still conversing like as if it was just another day, however that was the same week he conveniently asked for a break. Sorry for the mini rant... truthfully I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. 

Been very insecure lately... people have been noticing, being called fat, and all these words meant to put me down... it makes it hard to smile and say whatever because it’s already something that I don’t like in myself... I feel like I have no other choice but to get “skinny”. Oh well I kind of already accepted it and want to. I just don’t like people I care about let others talk poorly of me, it hurts because I know I wouldn’t do that. 

I want to just leave it but it’s been bothering me for a while. 

I think I might bring it up and want it just off my chest. 


Thanks to whoever chooses to read this. 

Hope I can one day live a life with someone who loves me so much that I can smile right into the future with them. I believe that. 

Saturday, 24 August 2019

I'm sorry.

I feel angry...

I've been battling with depression for so long, to the point that I'm confused about why I'm not happy.

I did it all,

I went travelling, saw a bit of the world.

I exercised, went for runs and fell in love with yoga.

Took on new hobbies, bought new skis.

Moved out of my parents' place to a new city... finally on my own.

I can do what I want for once.

Everything I wished for 5 years ago is what I have now...

But why do I feel so hopeless... I feel pathetic... I feel stuck and my anxiety is insane.

I spend my time mostly alone. I do this because I'm embarrassed.

I can't stop crying and I don't want to constantly explain myself to people so I prefer to be alone.

I'm so sorry to all the ones who I cut off... I tell you I can't go out because I have work in the morning and need to sleep, but really I'm in bed... thinking about how much fun I would've had with you if I wasn't so hopeless.

It means a lot for anyone still out there who reads this.

If you do, can you just let me know that the

                                       grass is greener on the other side?


- love,


     Sara Elisabet

Tuesday, 25 June 2019

Long time eh,

It's been interesting... I'm constantly medddling in the threads of this fabric I like to call "life".

What is happiness? A figure of speech really.


      Why do I constantly seek you? Is it because you make me feel safe?




Happiness.


I sometimes feel alone but I don’t understand why? I have it all but I am empty.


I think I’ll just .....




“Relax”.







                     

Monday, 17 December 2018

salad days.

                                                           


                                                 


Am I selfish for wanting you for myself?


Absolutely...


                                                    Foolish,

                                                                    isn't it.


And so it begins...

Welcome all, to my eventful life I call,
                                                                             a walking secret.



                               I will remain one for as long as the


grass


                              stays
               


                                                              green


and so remains my


                       
                                 judgement.






I have allowed myself to fall quite infatuated for you, the ignorance is this bliss I desire, my sweet, sweet serenity. 






Wednesday, 26 September 2018

the tiger and her snake.

There is this man.

Something about him, from the moment I first laid eyes on him...

I felt comfort.



                     At home.
I dream about him,




                    like no other.

I want nothing more than a simple


                                                         touch.

My soul yearns for


                               him.

                                       The Yin

                                        to my

                                        Yang.

His energy is indescribable. He is so powerful in his own way.

My admiration for him, also;


                           indescribable.

He manifests

           my thoughts,

                      my mind,

                                my soul.

In the most loveliest way one could imagine.


I feel so at peace. To see him happy, makes my soul fall into a rhapsodic state.

To hear him sad, makes my


                  heart weep. 


I've put off writing this for a couple weeks to truly recognise my emotions for him. They are evidently present and mutual.

This is too beautiful.


 







Wednesday, 11 July 2018

/

I currently have a thousand thoughts circling around my head as I'm typing this out to you.


I guess the best way to describe the feeling I have right now is that

I feel disassociated with myself.

I've been thinking for a while. Being where I am now is going nowhere, I tried using the clutch of solo traveling for sometime now but still... there is something...

missing.

Whatever it is... I can't quite put my finger on it. That bothers me greatly. I guess I'm so used to having things, well,

within arms reach... if that makes any sense? In simpler terms,


my thoughts, emotions and anything that falls into the personal mental health category to myself is quite transparent. I am very good on identifying my mental state and fixing it.

But right now... or should I say,

the past couple months have been interesting...

I just want to see my goals,

my aspirations,

accomplished.

I am too distracted living where I am now that I can see myself pushing my goals away further than one can see.


I will try again...

I'll keep you posted.