April 4 2022

6 days post 

I feel so angry. I feel unheard and just angry at everything. No one listens to me and I feel like no one cares. 

I can't even continue typing without my eyes wanting to swell with tears. 

Every month it's like this. I feel fucking awful and for some months I contemplate leaving this earth. I am so miserable and I just get told to brush it off and if I perhaps "clean my car" my symptoms of depression will be miraculously healed. I FUCKING wish. 

I reach out to doctors and no one fucking knows what's going on. I just get put on mood stabilizers and told to check in around a month if it works and guess what... three months later and it's still the fucking same. 

I have so much fucking potential but fucking hell is it hard to tread through life when you have no fucking idea if you'll be happy the next day. This shit just builds so much anxiety within myself because I'm fucking petrified I'll lose my battle with depression and actually kill myself only to regret it. 

Some days I create this plan that if I do, I want it to be far away in a lake. 

I'll end this for today. I'm about to cry again..