February, 22, 2022

 To whoever has such pleasure to stumble across this entry…

I’ve been through a shit ton. I should use this more to vent but every time I bring myself to write an entry, man… I get so lazy to put words into text… I convince myself that I’ll just ponder that memory to my convenience, but we all know that won’t happen… we have too many memories in our lifetime to just “store” it in our head to casually think about in detail when we want to. I guess where I’m going with this is that I love to reminisce, I haven’t particularly dwelled into the psychology behind reminiscing on the good and rather, bad memories I’ve had throughout the years, I think it definitely has something to do with a trauma response or something like that. Anyways, journaling is like photography… a snapshot of what is happening in the present but journaling obviously is like that close captioning side of a photo haha. 

So me and Dakota broke up. He broke up with me… I’ve been too overwhelmed with the circumstances of life the past few days to bring myself to write about it but I’m not as teary about it now so here I go! 

It’s been 2 years and 4 months, just shy of 5. It honestly caught me a bit off guard. I have this problem that I cannot accept change until the bitter end and that’s exactly how I felt on Wednesday when he broke the news to me through text. I just thought to myself… how insane is he to text me that, he’s probably just going through the motions of me pissing him off that weekend that I perpetually ruined, in an emotional sense. I made sure to wear my favourite heart necklace he gifted me along with the purple earrings he bought me that I haven’t really had the chance to wear because I overthink everything and felt like I needed to wear a particular outfit deemed suitable with them on… but now I have them on and hope he notices them. So off I go to his place, stopping by London Drugs to get our photo we took in Mexico, framed, and the thing is, we usually do well when we meet up when these texting fights happen, but oh was I wrong. He came up to my vehicle when I pulled up to his place and refused to let me inside. What is happening?! I pretend to not notice him approaching my car as if I didn’t just see him from the rear view mirror with his Z-Tec sweater on and the hood over his head like the grim reaper preparing to deliver the most gut retching news, and just walked towards his home and did the whole “oh hi babe didn’t see you there!” charade and that’s when reality hit me when he prohibited me to continue further to his front door. 

“I don’t want you inside, it’s over”… I could feel the tears starting to form. “Where should I put this” he asks, as he’s holding my favourite camping chair that we all know is the most cumbersome fricken camping chair to transport anywhere as if I’m glamping. “Uh… just put it here”, directing him to the back seat. He suggests we talk in the car as a means to compromise the current situation of him prohibiting me to enter his home for the first time. I beg him to let me in but succumb to his request and we chat in my car. 

I was at this point, desperate. Sobbing through my words asking him to change his mind. He voiced his feelings and it was then that I witnessed him cry. For the first time, I received a glimpse into his true vulnerability and my heart weeped for him. Let’s be real here, as much as I don’t want to admit that things were as bad as he described it to be, I fucking am amazed how similar we really are with a lot of things. I have been feeling the exact same since… he just happened to be more mature and bold about it… while I just created this illusion that things were just fine and dandy. 

I convinced him to let me in.. he caved and as I entered his place, my heart sank seeing the bits of items missing that I had around which marked my territory. The room was worse. To what was once a comfortable, homey room that felt like my presence is welcomed, was now this bleak unfamiliarity of missing items that I truly took for granted being there. My heart just sank and I let the tears flow. The more I inspected, the more sullen I felt about it all. Fuck man… he was fast at really clearing me out of that home. We chatted some more and he started to get peckish. He gave me that indication that his food was ready, as a way to say “guess it’s time for you to leave” without having to exactly say it but I refused to just leave like that.. so he just went to go fix his food and came back to offer me a plate. This provided me with a smidge of reassurance that he still cares! Oh thank god… womp womp… how pathetic am I. We get stoned after I told him that I would love to have this one last time with him as if this was just another Wednesday for us. I screamed for joy inside when he agreed and also profusely thanked him. Now the next hurdle, convincing him to let me spend the night…hmm… we proceed to spend our time together, crying and watching cat videos on YouTube and those goofy car crash compilations. I’m just laying down, trying to come up with the right way to spend the night…(TBC.. I’m so sleepy and have school tomorrow!)

April 4 2022

6 days post 

I feel so angry. I feel unheard and just angry at everything. No one listens to me and I feel like no one cares. 

I can't even continue typing without my eyes wanting to swell with tears. 

Every month it's like this. I feel fucking awful and for some months I contemplate leaving this earth. I am so miserable and I just get told to brush it off and if I perhaps "clean my car" my symptoms of depression will be miraculously healed. I FUCKING wish. 

I reach out to doctors and no one fucking knows what's going on. I just get put on mood stabilizers and told to check in around a month if it works and guess what... three months later and it's still the fucking same. 

I have so much fucking potential but fucking hell is it hard to tread through life when you have no fucking idea if you'll be happy the next day. This shit just builds so much anxiety within myself because I'm fucking petrified I'll lose my battle with depression and actually kill myself only to regret it. 

Some days I create this plan that if I do, I want it to be far away in a lake. 

I'll end this for today. I'm about to cry again..

Alright...

 It’s been a few months, with covid hitting huge, a lot has changed. 

I’m in a new relationship now. 

I just want to always be trusting but I hope I don’t get hurt... I hope I can get the truth out about how I know he hooked up with that girl while still talking with me... that really made my heart drop and had me thinking... how much you can’t trust some girls.... but what do I get out of it? What use it it having him admit it when I already know the truth. It definitely hurts, because meanwhile we were both still conversing like as if it was just another day, however that was the same week he conveniently asked for a break. Sorry for the mini rant... truthfully I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. 

Been very insecure lately... people have been noticing, being called fat, and all these words meant to put me down... it makes it hard to smile and say whatever because it’s already something that I don’t like in myself... I feel like I have no other choice but to get “skinny”. Oh well I kind of already accepted it and want to. I just don’t like people I care about let others talk poorly of me, it hurts because I know I wouldn’t do that. 

I want to just leave it but it’s been bothering me for a while. 

I think I might bring it up and want it just off my chest. 

Thanks to whoever chooses to read this. 

Hope I can one day live a life with someone who loves me so much that I can smile right into the future with them. I believe that. 

I'm sorry.

I feel angry...

I've been battling with depression for so long, to the point that I'm confused about why I'm not happy.

I did it all,

I went travelling, saw a bit of the world.

I exercised, went for runs and fell in love with yoga.

Took on new hobbies, bought new skis.

Moved out of my parents' place to a new city... finally on my own.

I can do what I want for once.

Everything I wished for 5 years ago is what I have now...

But why do I feel so hopeless... I feel pathetic... I feel stuck and my anxiety is insane.

I spend my time mostly alone. I do this because I'm embarrassed.

I can't stop crying and I don't want to constantly explain myself to people so I prefer to be alone.

I'm so sorry to all the ones who I cut off... I tell you I can't go out because I have work in the morning and need to sleep, but really I'm in bed... thinking about how much fun I would've had with you if I wasn't so hopeless.

It means a lot for anyone still out there who reads this.

If you do, can you just let me know that the

                                       grass is greener on the other side?


- love,


     Sara Elisabet

Long time eh,

It's been interesting... I'm constantly medddling in the threads of this fabric I like to call "life".

What is happiness? A figure of speech really.


      Why do I constantly seek you? Is it because you make me feel safe?




Happiness.


I sometimes feel alone but I don’t understand why? I have it all but I am empty.


I think I’ll just .....




“Relax”.







                     

salad days.

                                                           


                                                 


Am I selfish for wanting you for myself?


Absolutely...


                                                    Foolish,

                                                                    isn't it.


And so it begins...

Welcome all, to my eventful life I call,
                                                                             a walking secret.



                               I will remain one for as long as the


grass


                              stays
               


                                                              green


and so remains my


                       
                                 judgement.






I have allowed myself to fall quite infatuated for you, the ignorance is this bliss I desire, my sweet, sweet serenity. 

the tiger and her snake.

There is this man.

Something about him, from the moment I first laid eyes on him...

I felt comfort.



                     At home.
I dream about him,




                    like no other.

I want nothing more than a simple


                                                         touch.

My soul yearns for


                               him.

                                       The Yin

                                        to my

                                        Yang.

His energy is indescribable. He is so powerful in his own way.

My admiration for him, also;


                           indescribable.

He manifests

           my thoughts,

                      my mind,

                                my soul.

In the most loveliest way one could imagine.


I feel so at peace. To see him happy, makes my soul fall into a rhapsodic state.

To hear him sad, makes my


                  heart weep. 


I've put off writing this for a couple weeks to truly recognise my emotions for him. They are evidently present and mutual.

This is too beautiful.